Most advice or motivational pieces are just recycled words. At best rah rah porn to get you wound up and excited. Usually just information and ideas that are not new or even unique.

That’s not to say that some small pieces of good can’t come from them. Sometimes just the method of delivery makes the difference for the message.

Most of the time you just haven’t heard the idea before and hearing it resonates with you. Making you feel the teller is a sage, an oracle of knowledge and ideas.

Reality is much different. Keep that in mind whenever you attach yourself to an expert on all things human motivation or thinking.

While there are people who have a solid insight or capability to understand humans. And they may have a way to put that insight into steps or a process that stands out. In the end they are just making it up as they go, giving their best guess. Some built on research and an awful lot bounced off ideas they’d heard in the past.

Given this, it is wrong to look to others for ideas and development?

Of course not. If having someone provide concepts or methods that resonate and work for you, then yes, soak it up and use those things. Get as much out of them as you can.

Just keep in mind, there is nothing magical or special in that person or what they are telling you. In fact, there is nothing you couldn’t find, or think of, for yourself. Don’t fixate or let yourself believe that this one person has all the answers.

We like to find that one thing that will solve all of our problems. Having a single source just makes life easier. Humans like easy. But life is not easy. You will always experience things in a way that is unique to you.

This means you need to allow yourself to hear and learn about different ways to approach challenges in your life. From multiple perspectives. The more ways you allow yourself to see the world, the better you will be at finding solutions that fit where you are at the time.

This can mean looking at how people you don’t agree with think as well. Approaching subjects from a direction you wouldn't normally take could end up allowing you to accomplish things differently, maybe even better, then from your favored perspective.

Learning diverse ways to think, problem solve, and view the world will give your mind more options for success.

Just keep in mind that no one viewpoint or process is the be all end all. They are just one way, that one person has approached the world.

Absorb and use as you can, but keep your mind open and flexible. Using what works, paying attention to how it works, and adjusting what you’re doing to improve your life.

A snapshot in time based on people worked with and events probation officers have experienced on the job.

Jorge crouched behind the black Honda. He tried to scrunch as much of his heavy frame behind the back wheel as he could. His breath was ragged and hard. The adrenaline from the hard sprint after the gunfire had long since worn off. Now his lungs burned and his legs were shaking as the realization of what he’d done began creeping through the fog in his brain.

The Big Homie had told him it wouldn’t be a problem. When Jorge had hesitated he got into his face. Asking him if he was man enough. “Don’t be a pussy,” he said. “Just step up and do it. A real man takes care of business. That scrap ain’t nothing but a scrap.”

But as the vision of the boy dropping to the ground after standing in stunned silence when the bullets tore into his chest slapped his brain, staining his thoughts with its clarity, Jorge wasn’t sure this thing he’d done didn’t matter. The look of shock and pain on the boy’s face tore at Jorge. The boy wasn’t much older than his own 15 years. What the fuck had he done?

He glanced down and realized he was still clutching the black Glock tightly in his right hand. It no longer gave him the feeling of power it did when he’d gotten it from Flaco a month earlier. All it held for him now was fear and a strange numbness. Jorge wanted to drop the gun. Throw it away from himself, afraid that it would rear up and bite him. In a way it already had.

He heard sirens coming down the street over from where he was hiding. He knew he had to move. Get as far away from where he was, but his shaking tired legs refused to move. His hands and body began to tremble as he looked down at the black gun he clutched. Panic began to constrict his chest, his breathing catching.
His head snapped up when he heard a police radio behind the apartment building he was hiding near.

“Fuck! Fuck! I gotta go,” he muttered, all other thoughts suddenly dropped and forgotten. Taking a gulping breath he stumbled upright and away from the car and the sound of the radio.

He tried to run, but his legs were cramping from the unaccustomed activity. As he stumbled forward down the street, he tried to blank his fear by staring hard at the end of the block where he’d have to turn right.

Everything had been fun up to now. Exciting, shit he’d never been so scared and unsure, but also happy. Drinking, smoking, talking shit. Hell, even girls, though they still made him nervous and he had to be drunk to really talk to them. But it was fun and he felt wanted, or at least not a bother.

The Big Homie said they were family, brothers, more than just everyone else. The life was a struggle, something important for them to do. He just had to do his part. Keep things straight, earn his right to be part of the family.

As Jorge huffed towards the corner, trying to hide along the brick fences and bushes that lined the street, he wondered if all the talk was real? Was it really worth it?

“Those fuckers better be there,” he whispered as he turned the corner, glancing behind him and seeing no movement or hearing anything except cars in the distance. Ahead was the park. He knew his ride was sitting on the other side away from where he was. He just had to get there.

He stumbled across the wide expanse of grass towards the outline of the play structure. The large plastic slide coming up in front of him. He slid into the play area underneath it, hiding behind the grey walls, crouching down to peer out the large round hole that looked back towards where he’d come from.

He ducked back when he saw a police cruiser turn down onto the street he’d just dashed across, slowly making its way down the block. The dark was lit up by the spotlight on the car as it stopped and began sweeping the darkness of the park.

Jorge slammed against the wall away from the circle, trying to make his large bulk small and invisible when the light swept over the structure. He held his breath, his mind screaming at him to go, to run away before his life came crashing to an end.

His body began shaking with adrenaline and fear. He held his breath and tried to crush himself even smaller against the cold plastic on each side of him, when he heard the door to the car open.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, he screamed in his mind, breath hissing between his teeth.

The smaller circle of a flashlight began playing back and forth against the structure to Jorge’s left. He heard heavy footsteps slowly pacing through the grass towards his hiding place. He glanced down at the gun he still clutched in his right hand. Could he do it again? Should he? What the fuck do I do? His mind blanked and his mouth dried up as the horrible decisions fought in his mind. Shaking, he grasped the gun harder and lifted it towards where he heard the officer walking. He flashed on his Nana reprimanding him as a child for hurting his smaller cousin. What was he now? Who was he now? A silent cry sounded in his head, drowning out everything around him except for the cold weight of the gun and the heavy steps.

“Gonzalez,” a deep voice sounded from out by the street. Jorge gasped, as he almost pulled the trigger in his surprise. “You see something? Code-4?”

“Not sure, thought I saw a flash of white,” the officer responded, his voice loud and close, just outside the sand of the play structure. “Probably a cat or trash.”

Jorge held his breath, frozen in place and then heard the steps move away from him, back through the grass towards the street. He could just make out the burble of conversation between the officers. The words hidden by the occasional call outs that flowed from the police radio into the dark night. A loud beep repeated itself on a regular rotation loud and jarring.

As Jorge’s legs began to cramp painfully from sitting bent and tensed underneath him, his feet numb and body shaking uncontrollably, he heard the doors close on both vehicles, one after the other. The cars then accelerated away down the street towards the main road, leaving the night silent and cold once again.

He slid down onto the sandy ground. Adrenaline flushing out of him, leaving him cold and shaking. Tears welled up in his eyes, threatening to overwhelm him. A sob caught in his throat. He angrily wiped at his eyes, cursing himself for acting soft. “Always been a pussy,” he muttered, his voice angry.

After a moment he pushed himself up, grasping at the hard plastic behind him with his free left hand, the gun in his right banging loudly against the wall next to him. He froze a moment, then seeing nothing, stumbled forward and away from his hiding place, back onto the open grass of the park. Ahead of him was the tall fence near the main road.

His vision narrowed to the small exit that broke the continuous metal line of the fence. Just past that opening, he told himself, speeding up his awkward, numb gait. Gotta go right and then left at the next street. The homies should be waiting there. Move you fat fucker.

He slammed into the chain link fence. His hands grasped the metal crisscross links, breath puffing painfully in his chest. He lurched forward and around the post of the entrance and out onto the dark sidewalk.

Realizing he was still clutching the gun in his right hand, he stuffed it awkwardly into his hoody pocket, clutching it with both hands to keep it from bouncing loose as he shuffled down the sidewalk.

Glancing backward over his shoulder, he huffed towards the shadowed street corner and his ride. Fear and panic threatened to overcome him as he kept imagining red and blue lights coming up behind him.

“Just a little more, a little more,” he puffed, his slow jog becoming a stumbling walk. The distance in front of him seemed to stretch on. He paused a moment at the sidewalk to make sure the street was clear and then stumbled across, his tired legs wobbling as he tried to navigate his way to the other side.

The street ahead was hidden behind a building that loomed over the corner, an old storefront, the paint worn and tired. Just as he was sure his lungs would give out as they burned in his chest, he rounded the building onto the street behind it. After a few steps he stumbled to a stop, frantically looking up and down the street for the gray Nissan that was supposed to be there.

“The fuck,” he said to the empty space around him. “Where are you fuckers?” He shouted, panic making his voice crack.

As he was trying to decide which direction to head in order to find his way home, someone spoke from the shadowed doorway behind him.

“What you looking for vato?”

Jorge spun towards the voice, his eyes widening as he watched five hooded figures step out of the shadows onto the sidewalk. A thrill of fear shot up his spine, setting the hairs on his arms and neck upright.

“Walking,” Jorge said, nodding his head back towards the main street. He stuck his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt and started to step back off the curb. One of the group placed a hand under his sweatshirt, halting his move.

“Heard noise in our hood,” the speaker said. “Don’t know you ese. What you claim?”

The group tensed up as Jorge looked back forth at the them. He grasped the handle of the gun. His hand sliding on the textured grip, slick with sweat. His mind spun, fear making everything around him silent and even more dim. The sneer on the face of the young gangster in front of him seemed distorted and oversized.

Jorge's breathing quickened and he could feel his pulse pounding in his neck. You pussy! You gonna run you pussy bitch? The thoughts slammed through his fear.

I ain’t no pussy, fuck that shit. I’m a fucking gangster! Fuck these posers. Jorge gripped harder on the gun.

I’m fucking west side loco. I earned that shit tonight. Fucking pinche scraps.

He took a deep breath and jutted his chin out.

In a single movement he pulled the gun from his pocket, firing it as it cleared the cloth.

“West side motherfucker scraps,” he shouted, pulling the trigger over and over, the gun bucking in his hand. The booms of the weapon filling all the space around him.

Bodies scrambled as he began shooting. Ducking and covering their heads as they fell away form the noise and flash of Jorge’s barrage. As fast it started, silence once again fell on the dark street, except for the barking of dogs in the nearby houses.
Jorge felt the rush of the trigger pulls leave him and he was left with the numb ringing in his ears from the loud blasts.

A small smile pulled his lips upward, fuck yeah, he thought.

Just as he took a deep breath and was starting to turn to run he felt cold metal against his left temple.

“Fuck you.” A voice cut through the night, followed by a single loud blast.

Jorge’s head bucked sideways, his body thrashing backwards and off the curb onto the black street. The gun he’d been holding falling to the ground from the suddenly slack hand.

A hard kick to the side of Jorge’s body jerked him as he lay clutching and clenching on the asphalt, his eyes wide but unseeing.

“Buster fool,” the voice said, delivering another kick to the body on the ground.

Stepping over the now still boy, he ran off into the darkness of the street.

Time is always working against you. It will seem that you have all the time in the world, especially when you’re young. But time doesn’t sit still. It doesn’t grow. It is always moving in one direction, forward. Etching away at you and the things around you. Smoothing and dulling as it flows.

Does this mean you need to rush and hurry?

Not in the least. However, you do need to start.
You have to move and not sit in place thinking you have tomorrow to get on with things. All the excuses have to be set aside. How may times have you told yourself, I’ll get to it once I get things sorted. Or when everything is in place I’ll start.
Time will just flow on, leaving you in place, slowly wearing on you until there is nothing left but the faint outline of the person you had been and could have been. This kind of thinking gets you nowhere except older and deader.

Starting is a whole lot simpler than you think.

Really, starting means moving with the flow of time, working towards something as opposed to doing nothing. People get caught up in wanting everything to be perfect and settled before starting. Just getting moving will go a long way towards helping to put together the other pieces you need to be successful.

A simple example.

Let’s say you want to get in shape. You could spend a whole lot of time reading up, watching videos, finding the right equipment, shoes, watch, headphones, but never really getting on with the goal. You did a lot of busy work, used up a lot of time, but in reality you never started. You’re still out of shape and no closer to being better. A bit poorer in money and time, but that’s about it.

If instead you just got up and walked for at least 5 minutes each day, you would suddenly find yourself doing something. The more you repeat this exercise the easier it will get and it won’t be long before you’re expanding on that start, improving, doing just a little more.

Now, you can go ahead and do all those other things, read up, watch videos, buy gear, fret about what is the best method, think about how to get better, but you will have begun to do the most important part, starting.

You are no longer waiting for something to happen, but actually making that something happen.

Rinse and repeat.

Next is to keep going. Repeat over and over, until it has become something you can’t see yourself not doing. Along the way you will likely find yourself pushing farther, doing more, experimenting and improving. Working towards whatever it is that you set for yourself to do.

The best part of this is you are not letting time work against you. You are actually doing. Which is probably more than you’ve done in most other things in your life.

Time won't matter if you start.

Don’t think you have all the time in the world, or that time doesn’t make any difference. Time is constant. Time will win in the end. There is only one way for you to react to this fact and that is:

To start.

To do.

To be more the you were today.

One step after another.

A little at a time.

No, but I’m going to hedge a bit and say - in a way.

While most people dream of immortality - living forever - 0bviously, it is impossible (in reality it is also undesirable, but that's a different topic). You can achieve a form of immortality through works, actions or deeds. But those things would need to be so outside of the norm that it is virtually impossible to make happen. Much like winning the billion dollar lottery. Even then, you would only be alive as an idea and you would not be part of the active conversation any longer.

The most famous of people right now will likely be forgotten within a generation.

At most, they will become a line in history - maybe. Even that history will disappear at some point. Much sooner than you’d expect. Take a moment and try to come up with famous people from the early to mid 1900s. My guess, depending on your age, there won’t be many, if any. How many from the late 1800s? Likely none. Go back another 50 years and, other then historical figures that relate to your cultural development (and these will be the lucky few who were chosen to be remembered), nothing.

With this thinking in mind, it becomes more important then ever to not waste energy on trying to achieve immortality by living in the future. The future does not care if you are there and there is nothing you can do to influence your existence in it. It is better to take what little time you have been given and focus your energies and efforts on what you can do right now.

I could go on about creating great things in society, or building wealth, status or power, but those have been done to death, and in all honesty don’t really matter.

What matters is people.

Those people who are around and a part of your life. Because it will be through people that you will be able to create a type of immortality. In the end, you may not be remembered as a person, but you can at least touch the world in some way that will matter to someone. This connection will then influence that person's interactions with others, which will go on and on.

Of course this cuts both ways - good and bad.

Depending on the kind and type of interactions you had, you will either have supported that person or damaged them. They in turn will end up passing those good or bad traits on to the next person.

What traits or actions do you want your legacy to reflect? In what manner will your immortality exist? Really, those are the questions that you need to answer.

Is your immortality going to be reflected through the positive actions and interactions you had with the people you cared about (or cared for you)? Or are your actions going to make those around you feel less joy, or experience fear, despair, or hate even more?

Will you leave the world better then when you were in it? Or make it worse?

Managing to infuse goodness, kindness, understanding, direction, hope, empathy and belief in self is the goal I believe matters most for a life. Doing this ensures immortality in the best way.

While I may never be recognized or remembered for these lessons or traits I modeled and upheld, I know they can make a difference right now and will flow out into the future.

A difference that can only grow in size and strength as they are passed on person by person.

Generation after generation.

You may find yourself feeling like you’re just going through the motions in life. No striving, no improvement, just doing the minimum to get done. This can feel like you’re wasting time and not reaching your full potential. You may judge yourself with the idea that not going all out somehow sullies the outcome.

But you would be very wrong thinking that.

Sure, you may not be operating at your most creative, or at the optimum output levels, or in a flow moment, or whatever, but guess what…you’re doing something.

Sometimes you just need to do something.
While your contribution may not have been the winner of the day, at least you got out of bed. It’s better to show up and do anything, then to blow off your plan because you didn’t feel at your maximum level.

Not doing can quickly develop into a habit that derails everything you’re trying to accomplish.

By putting effort in, any effort, you make it possible to keep going. You prove to yourself that you can do things and are able to keep doing things like you planned.

Any movement is better than standing still.
Of course working with purpose and effort to do what you want is important, but in the end it is not always going to happen. As much as we would like to always be on, there is no way that anyone is capable of doing so.

You may want to believe that you are the exception to that truth - you aren’t.

Give yourself permission to try, but not always be perfect. Being able to show up and just do what you can will create the biggest difference in your progress.

Regular action is what matters.
Even if that action is just doing the bare minimum. In life you have the option to sit back and wait for all the stars to line up, have your creative mind clutch hold of your desire to make magic and then get around to doing something.

Or, you just show up, do something - anything, then repeat. Day in, day out.

Which process do you think actually works to finish or achieve something? In case you’re not sure, it’s the one that keeps you moving forward. Even if that movement is small.

Whenever you wait around for that perfect moment, or for the desire, or the joy, or the creative juices, or the want, or the dog, or the kids to go to school, or your significant other to care, you just end up sitting in place. Feeling bad about yourself or situation, dreaming about what you want or deserve. Staying stuck in place.

The only way to get unstuck is to move.

Know that doing will lead to what you want.
This is the piece of the puzzle that you need to keep lodged in the forefront of your brain. The smallest progress is still progress. Doing moves you forward.

In the end just getting in a rep, putting a few words on paper, practicing your swing, making a phone call, sending out an email, drawing an image, going outside to walk, saying no to dessert will build up, giving you the experience, stamina, and fortitude to do more and more, better and better.

Greatness does not happen out of the blue, but through repetition.

When you show up you give yourself a chance to maybe find that groove you wanted and make something great happen in what at first seemed to be the smallest effort.

There is nothing grand or shocking in that statement. This has been said so often it’s become background noise. A cliche. Unfortunately, because of the simplicity of the words, they are easily forgotten, even though they matter more than you realize.

You will fall.

You will fall over, and over, and over again. There is no way you can avoid that fact of life. Whether from a height, or a simple misstep on your path, you will find yourself on the ground wondering why you’re there. Falling on your face, or just to the ground, is part of life. You’ve been doing it since you were born. You will keep doing it until you die.

It’s not the fall that makes the difference.

It’s the getting back up that matters in the end. Every time you get back up, you learn. You improve. You become something a little bit more than you were. Maybe that won’t mean anything beyond yourself, but at least you can see yourself as more than who you were when you were on the ground.

Be more than your failures.

We usually make our thinking too short sighted and our minds often loose themselves in our failings. You can so easily trounce yourself, berate your existence, or find the reasons you deserve what happened when you focus on your falls and failures. This then makes it so much harder to get back up and move again.

We can find ourselves obsessing over where we are and how we got there; instead of working to get moving again. This kind of thinking results in nothing more than staying stuck.

Even though it’s hard - get up and go. You may find yourself staggering or standing around in a daze. But by getting up and then looking ahead, you set yourself up to move again. You make this moment of action something that defines you.

What you do after falling is what will make or break who you are and who you become. Don’t dwell, don’t fret about others, just get up and go. Make your existence mean more than your fall.

Momentum is the key to real success.

You can only succeed by going. This means setting one foot in front of the other, creating the momentum needed to propel yourself towards what you want in life. But, you can only create momentum by standing up. You cannot move forward when you are sitting in place, bemoaning your fall.

Complaining will only keep you in the past, stuck on the moment your momentum ended. It is up to you to take control of your place in life. To stand up and put one foot in front of another, setting your sights on the future. Giving yourself the opportunity to get to where it is you wanted to be in life.

Everyone sets expectations whenever they begin to do something. Sometimes those expectations are low, but often they are set high. So high that whatever it was they were trying to do ends up not coming close to being anything like the expected outcome. People then find themselves dissatisfied or disappointed with the results.

For someone who is just re-entering society, or is trying to make the first steps towards change, expectations often slam hard into the wall of reality. Leaving them frustrated, lost and angry. Because of these too high expectations, they often give up and decide that either the change is not worth the effort or they just aren’t capable of making it happen. This kind of thinking quickly becomes who they identify themselves as, and they believe there is no use in even trying, ever.

Tempering expectations and helping people to set realistic goals is a key component of a probation officer’s job. It does not mean dashing hopes and dreams, but instead helping to find the balance between what they hope to happen and reality.

Wanting is not enough.

You try to believe that if you just want something badly enough you will get it. Somehow, someway, you will manifest your goal into life exactly as you planned it. This has as much basis in reality as buying a lottery ticket to pay the rent next month. Could it work? Sure, maybe. But will it work? Ah, no, not gonna happen.

While wanting is a step in the process of getting, it’s not enough to ensure it happens. You have to put in the work towards what you want. Nothing will get you nothing. Simple math 0+0=0. It’s always easy to want, it’s hard to do.

The process of moving beyond want is just doing something every day that moves you a step closer to your goal. Consistent work. But, you can’t do that if you don’t have expectations based in reality. You will find yourself striving, then becoming frustrated when your effort does not equal your hope.

Setting realistic goals makes progress easier.

Being realistic about what you will accomplish will do a couple of things. It will ground your thinking so as to make better plans and it will help you see progress as it happens. Knowing how you can get to where you want to be and then seeing progress taking place will make keeping on track that much simpler.

Let’s use an example. Say you want to get in great shape. A worthwhile goal. But your expectation is that you will look like a fitness influencer and you will accomplish it as soon as possible. I’m sure you can see some of the issues in the example. Definitely a somewhat definable goal, but poor expectation.

While you could make excellent change and progress, you will likely not create the change you imagine. Mainly because you haven’t set a clear, realistic, expectation. What is it you want that the influencer has? Or what is it you desire to happen to your physical appearance or strength goal? How long will it really take to make your desired change take place?

Bringing the level of expectation down to definable and realistic levels makes reaching those goals much more likely.

Clear goals set real expectations.

When you create clear goals, you then set realistic expectations about accomplishing them. This is why having a clear, definable goal matters so much. Expectation that is in line with reality will make it that much easier to follow through successfully.

Of course you will still need to fight through those difficult moments of doubt, boredom or apathy. Welcome to the human world. But when you know what it is you’re trying to do, staying focused, and returning to focus, will be infinitely easier then having expectations that are outside of reality.

When you are not realistic you are much more likely to give up and quit when the inevitable temptations to do so invade your mind.

Realism is always preferable to distortion.

By staying inside the real world in your planning and thinking, you ensure your ability to actually execute and accomplish things. While it can be fun to allow yourself to go big and grand in your plans and ideas, when it comes time to actually decide on the path you will choose, staying close to reality will allow you to make the kind of progress you desire.

When you avoid the error of unrealistic expectations you give yourself the best opportunity to achieve and be successful. You make it so much easier to implement and continue to follow through on the process when you can see your realistic expectations being met.

When this happens, you can then make adjustments and improvements to your goals, pushing yourself further then you would have expected. Thereby proving your belief in yourself and your capabilities.

When you are first starting some sort of change or plan, you will find yourself inundated with ideas, suggestions and research. Often this ends up being noise that echos in your mind, both helping and distracting you as try to progress.

This noise can mean many different things.

• Negative words and remarks.
• Helpfully intended comments and reactions.
• Outside examples of what you’re doing.
• Advice, ideas and methods of action.
• Whatever stuff is either given to you or researched by you.

While some of this information can be helpful and steer you in the right direction, it can also slow you down or change your course, hurting your progress. When you end up spending more time and effort listening to others you often never learn to develop your own methods and processes.

Sometimes what you’re told isn’t what you need.

There are a lot of competing voices coming at you. Each telling you what is the right way to do something. This can result in negative consequences.

• Deviating from your path because of what someone else is telling you.
• Executing sooner then you planned because you’re hearing you should already be moving.
• Feeling that you should be doing more and ending up trying to do too much.
• Getting stuck due to information overload and then just quitting.

In the end you are the person who will make things possible for you. No matter how someone else did something, or what others think is the best method, you have to walk the path.

It is up to you to make the final decisions regarding how you are going to move forward.

Learn from your mistakes.

Seeking out information and others who have successfully managed to get where you’re wanting to go can be a great help. In fact, gleaning information and emulating what has been done can speed up your movement towards goals you’ve set.

However, there can be a cost to blindly following what others have done. You may miss out on learning through failure.

One of the best ways to improve is to make mistakes and then bounce back from them. If you spend a lot of time emulating what you hear, you can easily miss the lessons you learn from mistakes.

There is nothing like the mental strength gained and knowledge learned through failure.

Just keep moving and doing.

Take your time, tune out the voices and concentrate on what you’re trying to do. Your path is not someone else’s. Motivation and pushing can be helpful and necessary, just make sure what you’re pushing towards is what you want.

While it’s nice to see how others got somewhere, eventually you have to strike out and finish on your own terms. Feel free to do things your own way. Just know that the frustration of failure will be part of the journey. As well as the satisfaction of having set the direction.

As long as you’re moving towards your goal you are doing things right.

A regular conversation I would have with people would be about what had gone wrong, or didn't work out for them as they were trying to change. This usually revolved around how something had gotten in the way or stopped them. Hardly ever was there any recognition of their role in that failure. It was always due to actions or issues that were outside of themselves.

I would then end up trying to steer their thinking towards themselves and their role in their failure. This wasn't to shame them or make them feel badly about what happened, but to help them see the positive in that moment.

That they must embrace failure to avoid it in the future.

It’s all on you bro.

Short of a physical issue or god-like uncontrollable event, you are responsible for the failure or lack of success in your life. It’s so easy to blame outside forces or people for what went wrong. Why accept the responsibility when the issue has to be because of things outside yourself. All that has gone wrong, or wasn’t done, or didn’t come to life, couldn’t have been due to you or your issues. It has to belong to someone or something else, it just has to.

Unfortunately, it’s all on you.

By not accepting the responsibility you only stop, or delay, improvement.

It’s been said over and over, failure leads to success. You will never learn from your failure if you don’t accept responsibility for what happened (or didn’t happen).

By trying to blame other people or things all you do is pass your power to change off to unknown or unseen powers. You give up the ability to get better from the experience.

You must live in the humiliation, no matter how mild or serious, and work on what needs to be improved. When you don’t accept the fact that you were the reason for not succeeding you give up the thing that leads to improvement - reality.

You need to see the reality of your situation.

When you fail to see what happened, instead of improving you just shift blame. The problem is not yours but someone, or something, else. There is no way for you to get better, to do better, because that ability does not belong to you - it belongs to someone else. Someone else failed, not you.

This creates a loop of thinking that every failure is not due to you or your actions, but because of something or someone else. In the end, you won’t learn to get better and you will just continue to make the same errors over and over. Constantly wondering why the same things keep happening to you. You stall your potential and your life.

Admit where you went wrong.

This is the hard part, admitting you were wrong, that you made the mistake.

• You failed to take action or follow through.
• You didn’t plan.
• You moved too quickly.
• You didn’t vet your process.
• You connected with the wrong people or person.
• You didn’t check the weather before heading out.
• You ignored warning signs or concerns of people in your life.
• You failed to do what had to be done.

Remember, in the end, almost any failure is your fault.

Here’s the deal though, you can’t hold on to that fact. You must forgive yourself and get moving again. This means understanding what you did wrong and then setting checks in place to avoid those same mistakes. This does not mean quitting, giving up, or stopping because you think you're no good. Just find and admit your error and then move the fuck on.

Step up for yourself.

If you never step up and accept your role in whatever failure you had, you can never, and I mean never, make your life better. You will never make the changes needed to improve your situation. You are responsible for you. For your life, for your future. As much as you may want to pass that responsibility to someone else, in the end you are it. Don’t be afraid to embrace and accept your failure. Learn from it. See where and how to fix it for the future. Give yourself the opportunity to grow and become great. Because that is what you deserve.

Too often when I worked with people who were making changes in their lives they would come in complaining about how hard the change was for them. When digging deeper into what hard meant, it often came down to enjoyability. Change was not enjoyable. Change was not fun. Change was hard. We as humans do not like hard. We so want what we do to be exciting, releasing all those great chemicals in our brains that makes us feel grand. When we don’t get that, we find ourselves doubting what we are doing or have done.

You have to remind yourself that the process of change will not always be fun, easy or desirable. There will be a struggle to make yourself do what you’re supposed to do. You will wonder why you are putting yourself through the trouble. You will doubt that this change is worthwhile or even achievable. This can either be seen as the mind’s doubt or a desire to avoid the difficult. It could also be a type of crisis of faith in yourself and your process.

It’s okay to feel this way.

Lean into these feelings and accept them. Look at your plan and remind yourself why you’re doing this. This may mean you just need to push through and keep going. Get your shit done. Sometimes just keeping at it, doing the best you can will lead you back to feeling okay with your process and what you have been doing. The key to any of this is to allow yourself to feel blah and then work your way back to finding the joy and passion again. To remember, not every day, in fact most days, will be a joy or fun experience.

This could mean something more.

Now, these feelings may be a sign you need to scale back a bit. Not stop, but slow things down for a week or a couple of days. You may need to let yourself breathe and catch up mentally and physically. Don’t be afraid to take time to do something else completely unrelated to what you’ve been doing. But, don’t let that something else take over so that you lose focus on what you were doing. Just use this quick change up as a way to clear your mind and focus.

Remember, you will not feel good all the time.

That thing you want, the change you desire, the goal you set will not always be as motivating as it was in the beginning. Doubt and worry are normal, as well as blandness and boredom. You just need to embrace these feelings, understanding they don’t mean everything is bad or needs to change. Just address them, review the reasons, take a break if needed and then get back at it.

You will run out of time and life sooner then you think or expect. Sitting on the sidelines of life only leaves you with less time to play in the game. You have to remember, this is a one way, one time, process. There are no do overs. No respawns. No rewinds. You only have the time you have and no more. It is up to you to grasp what it is you want life to be. No one will do this for you, ever.

While this idea is obvious, people are usually completely blind to it. Either unwilling or unable to understand the gravity of their situation. Too often they squander and give up this precious limited resource. Don’t let that continue to happen in your life. Reach out and do, create, love, be, pursue, fail. Don’t waste what you’ve been given by sitting and waiting.

These moments you have will speed past and the next thing you know you’ve grown old and are staring at death. Or worse, miss out on opportunities when young because you no longer exist. You never know when time will stop for you or those in your life.

Don’t wait - Do.

Do with all your heart and ability. Enjoy the process. This includes the hardship, heartache and failures. The boredom. Every part of living. There will not always be joy and happiness. Life is a mixture of bad, good and meh. The key to living is to embrace all aspects, emotions and tensions of existence and know that you’ve applied yourself through it all. You were there and present. Living your life and not just letting it pass you by.

Whether you’ve wasted time by not living, or are just starting on the path, step outside and go. Become active in your life. Decide on what you want and then go make something happen. It may not be what you had dreamed, but at least you moved. In the end knowing you have lived and not just existed will be all you have.

Everyone believes they are important. That the world is lucky to have the specialness of their existence. Unfortunately, reality has other ideas. We are all just pieces of flotsam bobbing along the surface of existence. Each looking much the same as the rest. Slapping and banging against one another in the process. Really, no one is special or different in the scheme of things. We just have to recognize and remember that fact as we live.

That’s what we are - Average.

In reality the vast majority of us are no more than an average person capable of mostly average things. This concept can be one of the hardest to accept or believe. We all desire to be more than average. There is no problem with striving to be more than average, but you need to keep in mind, in the end, you are just that - Average.

You are just you.

You are not significantly different or better than anyone else. You may have a skill, or trait, or ability that gives you a momentary advantage, but in the end, you would sit somewhere in the middle of the bell curve with most everyone else. This fact means accepting where you are right now and knowing you have to make do with what you have.

You gotta put in the effort.

Being average doesn’t mean you can’t succeed inside the averageness, because you can. Look around and you will see many examples of people doing this. This does mean you must work for what you want. You will need to press and push yourself to go towards the place you want to be. That process will not be smooth and will require toil on your part, which will be hard. You need to prepare yourself for this and recognize the reasons to do it.

Don’t let your own BS become your reality.

As you move forward you will be tempted to feel as if you somehow are better or more deserving then those around you - not true. Do not get caught up in this thinking trap. Believe me, you will get slapped down hard at some point and find yourself struggling to understand why this happened to you.

Just focus on you and what you’re doing. Don’t waste effort comparing yourself, judging yourself, hyping your greatness, or believing you are the reason the rain falls. The only thing you can truly do in this life is to live close to your full potential, give back to those in your life, and cause as little damage to others as possible.

Fulfillment comes to the average.

Averageness gives you permission to just exist. You are not in competition with the perceived successes of those around you. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone other than yourself. You can achieve what you want without needing to show the world you are as good as you thought. This can remove a huge weight off your shoulders. You are you and don’t have to be anyone else.

By accepting your averageness and being in control of your actions you are more aware of your capabilities. You can then see where you need to improve or change as you move forward. This then makes success more attainable.

One of the struggles I would see after people came back into the community following incarceration, especially long term incarceration, would be a sense of disconnect. Often they were wandering around in life, unfocused and unsure of how to act or react.

While some of this had to do with defining what they needed or wanted in life, a big part was due to the loss of routine and the need to establish new routines in their lives. Until they were able to create new and better routines, they would either remain unfocused or begin sliding back into negative routines they had used in the past.

Routine keeps you on track and focused.

Routine is the key to succeeding at anything. It matters even if you're just trying to get by. Without a routine you will not manage to get anything done or accomplished. This is especially true if you are trying to make positive or substantive changes in your life.

You may think that routine doesn’t matter. You would be wrong.

We as humans only function through routine. If you take a moment and look at your life, you’ll see that everything you do on a regular basis has a routine. Think about it. What is your routine in the morning? What steps do you take everyday as you get ready? How do you get to work or school? What do you do as soon as you get there? I guarantee you do much the same thing everyday, in the same pattern. None of that process is random, or different, every time. That is the power of routine in your life.

Routines are the unconscious habits that make you act and react.

Look at all these multiple patterns in your life. Most of the time they are helpful, getting us through without thinking. Moving us towards whatever it is we need to get done in the day. However, routines can be a bad thing as well. You have to be aware of and conscious of what you are doing with yourself.

Because most routines have become unconscious, you can quickly find yourself sabotaging goals and processes without realizing it is happening or understanding why it is happening. These unconscious patterns, habits, and processes will occur whenever we begin doing or thinking something that triggers them.

How many times have you been on your way to do something, but the direction you are going is towards work or a friends place, and the next thing you realize is that you have driven to that place instead of your original destination? You did this unconsciously through routine. This same thing happens in life.

You may have decided to stop drinking beer after work and workout instead. But your old routine was to walk in the door, put your things down, go the fridge for a beer, plop on the couch and play a video game for an hour.

If you are not conscious of this routine you likely will find yourself automatically following this pattern whenever you come home. If you don’t follow it you may fight with yourself, feeling uncomfortable. This can lead to rationalizing or giving yourself permission to not workout, allowing you to follow through on your old routine, because in your mind that is how things are supposed to be. This is your routine setting the direction of your actions.

Routine is the power up you need for successful change.

If routines work for children, they can and will work for you. It is easy to see those children who do not have a routine or are not following their set routine. They are often out of sorts, tired, unpredictable, and emotional. But when children are following their set routine they tend to be calmer, more manageable, and happier. The same applies to you.

When you decide on a goal, the next step in the process is to think about the routine you will follow to make it happen. Now, you don’t need to have every step perfectly defined, but you need at least the basics. Enough to get you going and moving. Decide what steps you will be taking to ensure you work on your new goal or process. Then you need to consistently follow that process every time.

Of course you may need to adjust and switch things up to work better as you go along. But, in general, you want to know the broad strokes of the routine and follow them every single time. If you do this when you start a new goal or change, you will find it much easier to follow through and be successful in pursuing it.

Use routine to create follow through.

Routine is a key ingredient in the getting things done formula. Without a solid routine you will not consistently stay on task. Take the time to create and implement routines whenever you begin to make changes in life or create new goals for yourself.

By giving yourself a solid automation tool you make success more achievable. Let routines improve your life by creating and being aware of them. The more you can automate things, the easier it will be to actually finish things.

You set a goal. Made a plan. Wanted to accomplish something. But when you go to show up, everything stops. Maybe you’re busy, maybe tired, maybe blocked. Something gets in your way and you can’t seem to do what you planned.

Do you just turn away? Give up? Stop?

You could. Those are always options in life. But do they help you move towards what you want? Likely not. It would be better to do something, anything, than just take a break. Remember, every step, no matter how small, will get you closer to your goal. Sitting still does nothing but keep you in place.

Why take a small step when you could take a large one at another time?

While waiting for a later time in order to make a larger move can be an option, unfortunately waiting often leads to not moving at all. If movement is stalled, even for a short time, momentum is lost. Usually if we are heading forward it is better to keep going than to just stop.

Once we allow ourselves to not do something we have given ourselves permission to not move. Unconsciously, we’ve decided that it’s okay to not do things. It then just becomes easier and easier to not do what you planned. We can quickly find ourselves not working, not improving, not finishing. With this in mind, it is better to take a small step forward. To do something, so that we can keep ourselves going.

Do anything you can to keep going.

This is an easy one, do whatever you can to move forward when you’re not feeling it. If you can create momentum, any momentum, you are only helping yourself get to your goal.

This also goes beyond your goal. You are proving to yourself that you can do what you set out to do. You show yourself that the steps you set can be done even when life gets in the way. The more you prove to yourself that you can show up and do, the more you ingrain the habits you need to be successful.

Success requires effort.

You have to remember that without effort on your part nothing will happen. As much fun as it is to dream, a dream will lead to nothing without the work. A dream is a reason to do, but is nothing without effort. So, put in the work, even when you don’t want to. By keeping yourself moving, even if a small step, you will continue towards where you plan to go.

I heard this said in a television show I was watching and it struck me as very true. There are so many ways that being human is difficult. And I’m not talking about issues of survival here; I’m looking at the mental gymnastics that often have to be endured in daily existence.

Now, I’m a firm believer in the necessity of resilience in life. In fact, I believe that becoming good at putting up with things and pushing through difficult moments will not only make someone stronger, but more content. However, it must be acknowledged how difficult it can be to put up with the things happening around and to a person.

The human experience - putting up with shit.

I guess existence is more then just putting up with shit, it’s finding life in the midst of the shit. It is so easy to decide that nothing in life is worthwhile or worth the effort of trying. We as humans have the capability to achieve and do, but we are just as capable of giving up and stopping, leaving ourselves stuck in place. Staring at a wall, frustrated, angry and bitter towards life and others.

It becomes so important that we have a purpose. A reason for what we are doing. If we have an overarching destination for our efforts, we can enjoy the difficulties we encounter in the process. Maybe this is why religion and its promises of purpose and future destinations resounds so well with us.

Humans need purpose, without that we shrink up and stop living. We begin to lash out at others, finding reasons, making reasons, to do something, feel something. Usually these unfocused attempts to feel end up as destructive and unhelpful actions that only diminish ourselves and everything around us.

Purpose matters for thriving when things get difficult.

This is the key to getting through the shit of human life. By having a purpose, you can manage how you deal with and continue through the complexities and difficulties that will be part of you life.

I have worked with so many individuals who were raised with adversity or brought it down on themselves with the choices they made. In those who managed to take back control of their life, they always had a reason to do so. A thing that helped to drive them forward and find a path out of the jungle they were in.

I have also dealt with many individuals who did not have a purpose or reason for their existence and they in turn often found themselves floundering. Lost and alone in their own mind, unable to see a way to go beyond where they were at that moment. Often they were stuck in the unfairness that they saw around themselves and could not envision that it was up to them to make the change, to find the reason, to be different. They could not make the now work so they could have the future.

This concept of purpose, of finding a reason, of seeing the how to live within the way things are is not new. The amazing aspect of it is that these ideas have been thought of and taught in some form for thousands of years.

But it is one thing to think or read about what is needed and another to actually put any of these ideas into practice. This is always the hardest part, to put in the work, to assess yourself, your life, your actions and admit that you need to approach things differently if you want something changed.

No one else can do this for you. As in anything that is for you, you are responsible, you have to decide that things will be different or the same. You have to find the reasons for your existence and happiness. No one can make or create these aspects for you. Nor should you want someone to do that for you.

Life will always challenge us.

This concept is the one guaranteed aspect of existence you can expect. There will never be completely smooth sailing in life. Your ability to manage the tides and storms that stress you will dictate your life’s experience in the end.

You will never find perfect equality or fairness in life. Someone will always be minimized due to random chance. But how you decide to manage that random fate will equate either to a life well spent or one lost in anger and defeat.

Now, I’m not advocating for banal acceptance of your fate. You absolutely can and should work against injustice and prejudice. No one should be consigned to less due to what they look like, where they come from, who they love, what sex they are, what they believe, or any of the myriad stupid reasons humans have created to typecast and degrade other humans. But, you can find joy and beauty in the existence you were given and are leading. I would argue you are responsible for allowing yourself to do this.

This will mean looking beyond yourself and what you are perceiving of the world. Being able to envision and appreciate the good around you, even in the bad. Seeing what is positive and possible. Giving yourself the capability to feel, to be content with who and what you are and see what can be accomplished, or appreciated, within your outside limitations.

You cannot allow yourself to just give up and quit. Though you may be sorely tempted to do just that at times. In someways it is easier to quit. To blame the world and everyone for the unfairness of your situation and experience. But why would you want to do that? What are you giving yourself besides more pain and anguish? All you end up doing is creating more horribleness around yourself. Perpetuating the cycle you are in. Continuing to accomplish nothing and feeling poorly about it.

Remember, it’s hard to be human. Always has, always will.

Even though being human is filled with multiple complications, difficulties and stressors, it is something that can be and should be embraced. We, by our very existence, have to make life into something better than it appears.

No life is easy. While some circumstances are easier than others, it has to be remembered that every person has issues that only they perceive and understand. While someone’s life may appear uncomplicated, or without issue, we can never know what they are experiencing as they live. Just as no one can know what you are fully experiencing in your life.

We as humans need to embrace what life has given us and try to find the places that we can flourish within it. By seeking the joys that may be hidden in the crevices of our lives, we can begin to climb up and out into a better existence.
While we may still need to endure and manage the shit that we find ourselves trekking through, we can at least know that if we keep moving we will get away from the worst of the stench at some point. We may never be free of it, but we don’t have to sink deeper or just wallow around in the muck either.

While being human is hard, we can attempt with our actions and efforts to make existence a little more pleasant for ourselves and those around us.