Destination Uncertainty

When working with people who are trying to navigate the huge gaps and chasms they have made in their lives, a large part of your time is spent shoring them up and reminding them to keep it together and not give up. Of course they have to come in with a desire to change, but if they are showing an interest, or are actively trying, your job becomes cheerleader and concerned mentor. This is particularly true when they become lost and disoriented on their new path.

It must be understood that people will get lost, you will get lost. Expect that and don’t be surprised when it happens. No matter how organized or put together your system is, you will reach a point where you don’t know where to turn or where you’re heading. You have to remember that the best made plans will fail in some way. It would be more surprising if nothing went wrong in some manner, especially when you are dealing with humans. As much as we want to believe that we can control all parts and pieces of the process, and sight our way down the road, there will always be a twist or horizon that we didn’t take into account.

Beyond just missing something in our plan, we might be forced into something that will run us off the road, such as when we fail or fall short within ourselves and the things we said we would or could do. These failures or failings can then in turn make us lose our way, or stall out, unsure if where we were going was in fact the right place, or even worth the effort we were exerting. It is at this point that people have to make a choice, do I get up and keep trying or walk off and try to find my way back to the place I started.

Dealing with disappointment and failure is hard. Not just for people who are trying to change, but everyone. When you have the realization that something you wanted is not going to happen, it can feel like the atmosphere is crushing you. That failure or disappointment hits you in an emotional spot that can freeze your ability to move forward. You will find yourself rationalizing, excusing or just plain being angry about the situation. You may feel embarrassed or less as a person due to the failure. That’s okay. Feel those things, but make a point to step back a bit and try to understand the why in the situation.

By looking back and examining what happened, you can locate where things went wrong or when the road forked and you missed the turn. You then have to decide if the effort to retrace and redo is something you want, or is it better to take this new road, or create a new path to something else. Just because you have chased something, does not mean you have to keep chasing it. But here’s the thing, are you making a change because it’s what needs to be done, or are you changing because you don’t want to do the work needed? It is okay to move on to something new if you’ve done all you can to secure your previous goal. But, if you haven’t really tried, or your failure is due to you not doing all you can, or you’re not willing to find what your contribution to the failure was, then you probably shouldn’t go chasing something new.

However, if you have done all you can and things are not working out, or you find you’re just not as interested as you once were, then taking a different path is a viable option. In reality, there is no time in life where we get to where we wanted to go along a straight road. You have to remember that failure can often lead you to the next thing in life. In fact, failure is a necessary part of the process. I know that‘s said over and over to the point it’s almost meaningless, but that doesn't make it any less true or relevant to your situation.

While you are trying to decide how to move forward, life will continue regardless. You will have to keep doing, keep moving, and avoid stumbling over yourself. You can let life crash around you and let yourself be flung about aimlessly or you can push through and set your sights on the shore. It may take you a bit to find your footing, but often where you need to go next is right there waiting for you to chase it down. You have to forgive yourself for the failure or disruption and then work hard negotiating the next place on your path.

Everyone struggles, even those who seem to have it all. You have to understand that nothing is easy for any human. While things may have come easier for some, you can never know what that means to a person. So as you sit in your moment of helplessness or sadness or anger, you have to remember to look up and forward. Take the time and effort to fix the mistakes that got you here, or find that next goal, and then start the process to move forward towards your goal. In all likelihood that’s where you were supposed to go in the first place.